


Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered

by Marguerite, westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-06
Updated: 2009-04-06
Packaged: 2019-05-30 18:38:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15102632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marguerite/pseuds/Marguerite, https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: "What's going on?" "I'm bothering CJ."





	Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

CJ was an innocent bystander. Really. She bore no responsibility for how things turned out. None whatsoever.

It was, she decided, quite clearly Carol's fault. All that time monitoring online news organizations had obviously driven her around the bend. There was simply no other explanation for the sight of Bonnie, Ginger, Cathy, Cleo from Personnel, and Betsy from the OEOB, for the love of all that's holy, standing in a semicircle and grinning down at Carol, who was reading--

"'Asked whether the glow after bare lovemaking could be from semen deposited in her reproductive tract, Janice says--'"

"Carol!" CJ yelped, crossing the last few feet at a near run. "What the hell are you--"

"Bye," Bonnie said, slipping out the side door of Carol's small office, the other women following her lead. Alone with her boss, Carol dropped her head onto her desk and started to laugh.

"Carol," CJ repeated, this time in a loud whisper. "What are you reading?"

Still giggling, Carol slid a printout across her desk to CJ, who picked it up and did a double take.

"'Can semen cure the blues?' Carol--"

"Can *what*?" Donna said, stopping short in the doorway. Then she waved a hand in the air. "You know what? Never mind. I just needed--"

"Hang on," CJ told her, and turned back to Carol. "Carol, what's this--"

"Don't blame me," Carol answered, still flushed from her laughter. She propped her head on her hand and watched her boss. "Congressman Trott cited this on the floor of the House."

CJ glanced at the page in her hand. "In reference to *what*?"

"Sex education."

Groaning, CJ scanned the article, looking for any mention of federal money. "Please tell me *we* didn't fund this--Wait," she frowned, "somebody actually did a study on whether semen has anti-depressant qualities?" Lips pursed, CJ slid on her glasses and started again at the top of the article, actually reading it this time.

"I'll come back," Donna decided, hooking her thumb in the general direction of Josh's office.

"No," Carol told her. "You have to hear this."

"Hear what?" Donna paused, one hand on the doorframe.

"'A report appearing this month in an obscure medical journal,'" CJ read, eyebrows raised, "'the "Archives of Sexual Behavior," shows that women who enjoy sex au natural'--and I see that they're using Microsoft's spellchecker, because it should have the correct French spelling with an 'e'-- 'are less depressed than those who use condoms--'"

"What the hell, CJ?" Toby interrupted, appearing in the doorway just behind Donna, who glanced over her shoulder, then moved just inside the door.

CJ peered at him over the top of her glasses; he was giving her a look somewhere between shock and amusement. Adopting as bland a tone as possible, CJ asked,  
"Did you need something, Toby?"

He shook his head slightly, as if trying to figure out if she'd really said what he thought she just said. "CJ, did you--"

"Semen," Carol explained, her tone carefully neutral, "may be an anti-depressant."

Toby blinked. "For...whom?"

Donna turned her face away to hide her smile.

"Women," CJ answered, turning back to the article. "'If that's the truth, I must be the happiest woman on the planet,' says Wifey--'" CJ's mouth twisted in disapproval. "'--the star of WifeysWorld.com, where she and her husband (yes, Hubby) open their bedroom to subscribing voyeurs. "I have probably consumed--'" CJ's eyes grew very, very wide and she blushed. "Okay, skipping ahead."

Carol dropped her head onto her arms again, Donna flushed scarlet, and Toby very nearly grinned as he took a couple of steps into the small room.

CJ shifted her weight, leaning against the doorframe separating Carol's office from her own. "'The act of sex is more pleasurable without condoms,' says--"

"Anyone in the world," Toby murmured, hands on his hips. He tipped his head up and looked at CJ speculatively. "Where did you find this?"

"Online," Carol answered, her words muffled slightly by her arms.

"You're visiting porn sites--"

"It's not a porn site," Donna argued. "It's..." She frowned. "What is it?"

"This is from salon.com," CJ answered with a shrug. "Trott mentioned it on the floor--"

"Please," Toby moaned, "tell me we didn't fund--"

"We didn't," CJ assured him. "At least, I don't think we did." She grinned, tapping the papers with her free hand. "I say the study warrants further investigation."

"Oh, good," Toby muttered. "Let's definitely do that. Maybe a stray member of the press will wander past and write an article about how the press secretary decided to poll female coworkers about their sex lives!"

"Okay," Josh said, smirk firmly in place as he watched them from the doorway. "What now?"

CJ rolled her eyes at Toby. "Good job. The *one* person you definitely want to get in on this conversation is Josh Lyman."

"Hey," Josh protested. "I'm just a guy walking innocently by. And then I heard something about sex lives."

Donna turned a saccharine smile to her boss, "Well, that should leave you well out of it; thanks for stopping by."

"Oooooh," CJ grinned at Josh as Toby ducked his chin to hide his amusement. "Burn."

Josh snorted. "What, are you in high school?"

"My mama didn't let me read things like this in high school," CJ shot back, waving the papers around.

Terminally curious, Josh took another step into the room. "What are you reading?"

"Internet porn," Toby offered.

Josh's eyes widened to an amusing degree. "What? CJ--"

"Something Trott cited on the floor," Carol explained tiredly.

"Tell me we didn't fund--"

CJ just raised her voice and talked over his questions, "'Study author Gordon Gallup, a psychology professor at the State University of New York in Albany, thinks the post-coital buzz Wifey describes and the sexual healing Janice experiences may be caused by some unknown chemical in semen.'" Finished, she looked up at Josh with an expectant expression.

He frowned. "Who's Wifey?"

"Internet porn star," Toby supplied.

Alarmed, Josh glanced over at him. "I thought this wasn't--"

"It's not," Donna explained, frustrated. "Some guy did a study, and the article about the study quotes both an internet porn star and some chick named Janice."

Nodding, Josh asked, "Okay, and the study is about--"

"The possible anti-depressant qualities of semen," Donna finished for him. Then she grinned at the stunned expression on Josh's face.

"What?" Josh asked, his voice rising in disbelief. "Semen--"

"Josh!" Donna admonished, glancing furtively out at the bullpen. "Keep your voice down!"

"Okay," he managed. "Well. This is..."

"A waste of time?" Toby suggested.

CJ shot him a look. "I don't see you rushing your virgin ears out of here, Tobus."

His eyes sparkled. "I'm waiting for someone to point out the obvious connection between the post-coital buzz and the, you know, orgasm."

Donna nodded vigorously. "That's what I'm saying," she said, though she hadn't, in fact, been saying that.

Josh looked at each of the occupants of Carol's office in turn. "Okay, this conversation is officially freaking me out."

"That's okay." Donna patted his arm. "You can go and I'll give you the bullet points later."

"Hey, Toby's got a good point," CJ said, mulling things over. "I mean, really--men get post-coital buzzes too." She quirked an eyebrow at Toby. "Right?"

He dipped his chin. "Right."

"So obviously it's got more to do with orgasms than with semen."

"I don't think this conversation could *get* more disturbing," Josh mused, more to himself than to anyone else.

CJ snorted and went back to the article, "'The women who rejected rubbers were significantly happier than those using them and those having no sex at all.'" She looked up at her coworkers. "Well, gee, I can't imagine why the women who weren't having sex were less happy than those who were. We should definitely spend money researching *that*."

"Or just look around the office, for free, at the faces of all the happy women on our staff," Toby suggested, earning glares from Donna, Carol, and CJ, who resumed her reading.

"'Gallup says this suggests, in the simplest terms, that semen is a drug, and that it's addictive'--Oh, like it really couldn't be that *sex* feels good?"

"Well," Josh told Donna. "Clearly I underestimated how disturbing this was going to get."

"No one has you tied to the desk, Josh," Donna remarked. "You're free to leave. Besides, CJ's got a good point. Sex *does* feel good--" She ignored the strangled sounds Josh was making. "--so why is it surprising to this guy that women would be depressed if they weren't..." she shrugged, "getting any?"

Carol raised a hand in the air. "Because the researcher's a guy." 

"Right," CJ nodded. "And women--we're not supposed to like sex, right? We're just supposed to *tolerate* it."

"Yeah," Donna agreed. "So long as *he's* happy, doesn't matter so much if we... get happy."

Josh and Toby exchanged uncomfortable looks. CJ glared at them, and Carol frowned at Donna. "Get happy?"

"You know," Donna answered vaguely, flushing. "I meant--"

"Okay!" Josh interrupted. "If Toby and I promise to never assume--"

"Don't split infinitives, Josh," Donna said with a smirk.

"Or *hairs*, Donnatella. As I was saying, if Toby and I promise never to assume--is that better?--that women don't enjoy sex, could we *please* not have this discussion without first consuming copious amounts of alcohol?"

CJ, who had tuned out Josh's little diatribe to skim ahead, raised her head and glanced at Donna. "This guy is too much. 'In a sufficiently bothered woman, the genitals should become flush with blood--'"

"Bothered?" Donna interrupted loudly.

CJ glanced up from the papers. "Yeah, but my point was more 'Thanks for explaining how my body works.' I mean, I'm--" She frowned at Toby, who was unabashedly amused. "--old enough to know how--"

"But *bothered?" Donna interrupted, still sidetracked by the author's word choice. "I don't think I would ever have applied that particular word to--"

"I think," Toby interjected drolly, "the author was playing off of the phrase 'hot and bothered.'"

"Please," Josh begged, flinging one hand up in protest. "Can we not have this discussion right now? Or ever?"

"What's the matter, Josh," CJ asked, "you have trouble getting women sufficiently bothered?"

Donna snickered. "Oh, no, he bothers women all the time. Only he does it in the traditional sense of the word."

"Donna!"

She shrugged diffidently.

Sam appeared in the doorway, quizzical expression in place. "Is there a thing?"

"Please," Josh said with a pained look, "don't say that right now."

"What going on?"

"I'm bothering CJ," Toby answered.

CJ nearly choked, Carol started laughing again, and Donna hid her grin behind her hand. Sam just looked puzzled. "What?"

"Don't make them explain," Josh muttered.

"Ah-ha!" CJ said. "Logical flaw. 'A more glaring flaw, she says, is the use of oral contraceptives. Roughly one-half of the women were using them, and the study design didn't take into account what type of pill they were taking.'--"

"Oh, that could definitely affect the results," Donna offered. "It alters your moods."

Sam's eyes were very wide. "What is this study *of*?"

"Semen," Donna offered brightly.

"Ah. And may I assume that no one's talking about, you know, the United States Navy or anything."

"Hardly," Toby muttered.

Josh, sighing, arranged his hands in his pockets. "Please, for the love of God, don't say 'hardly.'"

"I got it," Carol offered, sitting upright and fixing Sam with a level look. "Some jerk of a researcher wasn't satisfied any longer with Freud's penis envy bullshit, so he's trying to prove that women are only really happy when they're getting laid, because semen is, according to him, a natural anti-depressant."

Sam blushed. "Oh."

"I don't know why he's embarrassed," Josh commented. "I mean, hell, he gets freebies from hookers."

"She's a call girl," Sam corrected automatically. Then he frowned. "Was a call girl."

The rest of the room's occupants rolled their eyes.

"So..." Sam stopped, seemingly at a loss to string the correct words together.

"Women who have sex without using condoms are happier," Donna summarized. "Supposedly. We're just pointing out the logical flaws."

"Well," Sam nodded. "That sounds... Maybe I'll go--"

"No way." Josh shook his head. "If I have to hear this--"

"And again," Donna interrupted. "I point out that you're not handcuffed to the chair."

"Now *that* would be disturbing," Toby muttered.

Josh ignored them both and slammed the door, shutting Sam in the small room. "You're staying."

"Okay, but the First Lady's going to a kindergarten opening and wants to have some toys and stuff with her for the photo op. So I just came in here to ask Toby where his balls are--"

The rest of them collapsed into varying degrees of hysteria--Carol buried her face in her hands, CJ sagged into the doorframe, Donna dropped into the chair that was tucked away in the corner, and Josh threw back his head and laughed. Toby just stared at Sam, who had flushed a deeper shade of red.

"The rubber balls," Sam tried. "Those big ones?"

"Flattery will get you everywhere, Sam," Toby mumbled.

Sam's face turned a fascinating shade of fuchsia that somehow managed to make his blue eyes even more startling. "The red rubber balls. The ones you toss against the window to get my attention." But each word out of his mouth just worsened the situation. CJ slid down the wall and ended up cross-legged on the floor.

After a few minutes of hilarity at Sam's expense, Donna wiped her eyes and remarked, "You know, it doesn't seem as if they did any research on semen's effect on men. Maybe it'd be a more accurate sampling, since the Pill and whatnot aren't factors."

Josh cut a glance at Toby. "Hey, Toby, maybe you should become gay. Fix this disposition problem you have."

"You gonna give me pointers, Josh?" Toby shot back. Everyone in the room noticed that both Josh and Sam blushed, but no one commented. "Besides, you don't 'become' gay. I don't think I can go down to the town hall and switch my affiliation."

"Town hall?" CJ choked.

"Figuratively speaking," Toby said in a mild deadpan.

"Do you get a card or something?" Donna asked.

"Yes," Carol said, her voice rising as she started giggling again. "It's hot  
pink--"

"I'm just asking."

"Donna, you have on pink panties again?" Josh inquired, raising his eyebrow. Donna smacked him on the arm. "Ow!"

"Those were not hot pink."

"Fair point. But they were out in the open, so to speak--"

"*You* are bothering me, Josh. In the literal sense, I'm saying. Oh, the hell with it." Donna gave up, letting herself double over with laughter while everyone else chortled along. The sound was so loud that no one noticed that the door was open again.

"This is a merry group."

"Oh, my God. Mrs. Bartlet. Mrs....Dr....Bartlet. Hi." The various voices joined in greeting the First Lady. Carol and Donna rose from their chairs and CJ from the floor, wiping their eyes as they tried to regain their composure.

"Good afternoon, everyone. I'm sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to ask Sam if he's managed to locate Toby's balls."

"God, please," Josh muttered under his breath, biting the insides of his mouth hard enough to bring tears.

"I'm sorry, that didn't quite come out the way I'd hoped," Abbey said brightly. "Although I'm a little surprised at the way you're all reacting."

"We wouldn't be reacting at all, Ma'am, except for--" Carol's attempt to hand the article to the First Lady was intercepted by CJ's quick grab.

"Nothing. It's...nothing."

"Claudia Jean, please. I was most definitely not born yesterday." Abbey took the document, holding it at arm's length because she wasn't wearing her reading glasses. "Hmm. Someone's gotten lucky in the grant department, I'd say."

"We were hoping that the government didn't fund this study," Josh said, trying to sound businesslike but to no avail.

"Oh, Josh, don't give me that. You were laughing like schoolboys over the idea of making a woman's genitals 'flush with blood.'"

"I am *not* having this conversation with the First Lady in the room," groaned Sam.

"Since Toby's balls are nowhere to be found," Abbey continued, staring at the man in question until his face turned white, "I'll leave you with a few words of medical expertise."

"Oh. Would you?" Josh inquired too sweetly, his dimples in full force.

"I certainly shall. One--remember that both male and female organs 'flush with blood' but that the woman's contain more nerve endings per centimeter than the man's and is therefore much more efficient. And two--ladies, remember that often it takes no more than the mere mention of sexual congress to cause men's...appendages...to become just as flushed as ours."

The women smirked as they watched Sam inch his way behind the desk, while Josh reached for the nearest legal pad and Toby buttoned his suit jacket more securely.

"And if anyone happens to find...oh, anyone's balls, would you please bring them to the Residence so that I can practice with them? Thank you all so very much."

She swept out of the room.

No one said anything, but Donna's face was scarlet and Carol had tears streaming down her cheeks. The intercom buzzed and Carol managed to punch the button. "Yes?"

The voice was Ginger's, only more strained than usual. "Bonnie asked me to call and tell Toby that there's a Dick Rose in his office."

"You're fired," Toby growled at the machine while the women dissolved into a fit of laughter.

"Pizza?" CJ finally said when her mirth subsided enough to let her speak. "What do we want on it?"

"Sau...sau...sausage," Donna managed, laughing so hard that Josh patted her on the back and looked down at her face to make sure she was still breathing.

"My money's in my wallet," Toby said mildly. "And there's no way I'm reaching for it right now."

"That's okay, I'll pay for it," CJ answered, reaching for her purse and heading toward the door to her office.

"You sure that's all right?" Sam asked.

"It's fine," CJ said, leaning back into Carol's office, a wicked grin on her face. "It doesn't bother me at all."

THE END

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